For as long as I can remember, I have seen the world much differently than those around me. My brain processed external stimuli divergent from others, I felt like an outsider. I never blended in with the other girls in my grade. Physically, I was like them, but mentally I was not.
I found the world around me overwhelming and overstimulating. In grade school, while learning the alphabet, I experienced something. While learning basic shapes, numbers, and letters, I experienced a coupled sense of color associated with each letter. A variety of colors beyond primary colors, hues, and muted tones. My mind unconsciously associated each letter with color. Words in my mind were a series of colors and patterns of colors, not just letters.
I never thought twice about it. In my mind, I assumed that everyone experiences this coupled letter color association. Transitioning through grade school and into middle school, this cross-sensory experience with letters and colors was unchanging.
As I progressed in age, grade, and subject matter, I began to wonder about my brain and its ability to assign color to letters. I asked others if they experienced this phenomenon. Responses to my question were a mix of peculiarity and eccentricity. My brief poll from friends and teachers concluded that what I experienced was an anomaly and unique.
I will present the alphabet below to give my readers an idea of my coupled sensory experience when reading and writing. These are the colors that my mind assigns to each letter.
Aa ~ Bright Red or Crimson Red
Bb ~ Yellow s
Cc ~ Bright Blue
Dd ~ Turquoise
Ee ~ Lavendar Purple
Ff ~ Orange
Gg ~ Yellow Orange
Hh ~ Sea Green
Ii ~ Bright Green/Lime Green
Jj~ Denim Blue
Kk ~ Rose Red to Bright Pink
Ll ~ Purple
Mm ~ Dark Red or Blood Red
Nn ~ Soft Pink or Pastel Pink
Oo ~ Pale or Pastel Yellow
Pp ~ blue or Royal Blue
Qq ~ Medium or Rich Purple
Rr ~ Dark Brown
Ss ~ Muted or Slime Green (this color is hard to replicate on the computer)
Tt ~ Bright Orange
Uu ~ Dark or Navy Blue
Vv – Dark Purple/Indigo
Ww ~ Gray
Xx ~ No color or White
Yy ~ Dark Purple or Eggplant
Zz ~ Flat Black or Midnight Black
When writing or reading, the associated colors with letters will come to my mind. This coupled sensory experience is not limited to English. I am learning Korean and find that with Hangeul, I experience some color associations with some characters in the alphabet.
Overstimulated by much in the way of my environment, I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since I can remember. Afraid of mundane things in my environment, at the age of 10, I was hospitalized. Diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and phobias, I was treated with medication and behavioral therapy.
As a child, I discovered that coloring helped to calm my mind, allowing me to detach from my anxiety, and helped me regain control during panic attacks. Long after most children ditched the crayons and coloring books for other age-appropriate hobbies, I continued to color and purchase children’s coloring books well into my college years. The recent introduction of coloring books marketed to adults has allowed me to transition from children’s coloring books to a format appropriate for an adult mindset.
I find that coloring and art that uses bright and vibrant colors calm my mind. The repetitive motions acting as a meditative action combined with the application of color has been my reprieve from at times crippling anxiety.
Children’s coloring books were all I had till the adult creative world released beautiful coloring books that allowed many to feel the contemplative artistic expression of a carefree childhood. My ever-growing adult coloring book collection has been my haven, transposing my disquiet mind onto the page as my mental state inundates into dynamic, kaleidoscopic art.
In college I took an art appreciation class and was introduced to a wide variety of artists and artistic types. Impressionists, Neoclassicism, Baroque, Renaissance, and Gothic art I admired. But one artist caught my eye above all others, Vincent Van Gogh.
Van Gogh’s painting style is like my mind. I was captivated and began a deep-seated discovery of the man and mind behind the art. I spent a semester on my project probing the mind of Van Gogh. I turned it in as my final and received an A. But more than the grade, the value of my research led me to the realization that my coupled sensory experience with letters and colors he also experienced with his art.
The term for my coupled sensory experience is Synesthesia. Synesthesia is caused when the brain routes sensory information through multiple unrelated senses, causing a person to experience more than one sense simultaneously (DSM V).
In letters between Vincent and his brother Thao, Vincent provided his thoughts behind all his works of art. He was placed in a mental hospital several times during his lifetime and produced some of his most iconic pieces while hospitalized. His most famous, “Starry Night” was pained in June 1889 while in treatment at Saint-Remy in France. Inspiration for this piece was the scene from his window at Saint-Paul Asylum.
While reading the volume of published letters between the two brothers, I saw something in me that Vincent expressed in many of his letters. Colors and how he can see colors others miss or do not experience. In my readings, I came across studies from people with Synesthesia and how they experience coupled sensory information through multiple unrelated senses, as I do.
I finally had a name for the phenomenon I experienced beginning in grade school. I am a synthesist, one that experiences coupled sensory information when reading. Individuals with synesthesia experience this coupled sensory input with letters, numbers, music, or art. It’s hypothesized that Vincent Van Gogh was a synthesist and experienced coupled sensory information evident in his art.
As we have learned more about the brain, particularly with Autism, Synesthesia is on the spectrum as a high-functioning form of Autism. While those with Synesthia are not considered Autistic, there is a connection in the wiring of the brains of those affected. Additionally, there is a correlation between synesthesia and depression, anxiety, and panic disorders. Not everyone who is diagnosed and treated with these mood disorders will experience synesthesia, but those studied did have a history of mood disorders. (DSM V). There is still a lot to learn about the brain and synesthesia. One day findings may explain the causes of the sensory condition.
In 2022, my family and I traveled to Washington, D.C., and visited the National Gallery of Art on the National Mall. In this museum, I saw original paintings by Vincent Van Gogh. I cried as I gazed upon his paintings. Through his art, I understood my mind and learned more about myself from a fellow synaesthesia. It was like meeting the artist for the first time. I have books full of his art and replicas of his artwork on the walls of my home office, but nothing could prepare me for the emotions I felt at the Art Gallery in Washington, D.C.
Thankfully, the museum allowed non-flash photography, so I took several pictures of his works. Some of these pictures are blurry; I later realized I was shaking while beholding his work.
Living with anxiety and panic disorder, despite treatment and medication, can still be very difficult and overwhelming. Advances in understanding human behaviors and the brain have made great strides in addressing mental health conditions and management in the hectic lifestyle we face today.
When life overwhelms me, like Van Gogh and other painters, I take to the canvas and allow my mind to transpose my inner world into patterns of color. Here are several of the paintings I have done over the years. I have found that artistic expression quiets my mind and allows me to escape from the inner dialog of worry, panic, and distress.
I am an abstract artist. Bright colors and simple abstract shapes and designs calm my inner turbulent world. In addition to painting, I enjoy drawing and sketching. Dragons and fantasy creatures are my favorite things to draw. Here are a few selections of my drawings.
There is great therapy in art. You don’t have to be an artist or good to take advantage of the calming effect of color and artistic expression. Our world today is demanding screens, stressors, and triggers are everywhere. Living with anxiety is difficult. Constant access to social media and 24/7 news coverage can make our world overwhelming. If you suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, find time to disconnect from the constant noise of your day, take your mind to the page with colored pencils, and allow your inner world to create something beautiful.
I am a multi-disciplinary writer, blogger, and web content creator. If you like this post, please visit some of my other blogs or writing portfolio.
Coffee and Coelophysis – A blog about dinosaurs.
The Kuntry Klucker – A blog about backyard chickens.
Chicken Math University – A blog about homeschool.
Thanks for reading. Till next time, good day and good mental health.
~ Noelle K. Moser ~
The Introvert Cafe 
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