It is a beautiful, warm May Saturday afternoon. The sun is bright, and the sound of songbirds and children playing occupies the audio backdrop. I stand at my window and gaze out onto the optimistic scene. I long to be a part of this carefree expression of childhood, but I can’t. My mind is absorbed with thoughts of danger, fear of injury, fear of contamination, and unaccounted events of sheer terror.
I am 8 years old, and I fear mundane things in my environment that normal children take for granted. I see danger and potential infection at every corner. Currently haunting my mind is the creature I saw on the television show my brother and I were watching. Unable to discern fiction from reality, I am convinced it is physical and will appear in my room as darkness descends. I cannot sleep because I fear the monster now occupies the dark regions under my bed that only I can see. My parents do their best to assure me that no monsters are inhabiting the space under my bed, but this does little to settle my mind.
For several years, I struggled with fear, panic attacks, and consistent mental dismay that consumed my mind. My stomach remained in a constant state of knots, and I vomited often due to my overwhelming perceived fear of the world around me. At age 10 I was placed in a mental hospital and treated for anxiety, panic disorder, and generalized phobias. I spent the rest of the summer undergoing treatment for my mental health disorders.
Anxiety is the inability to control worry that is accompanied by difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and disturbed sleep. (DSM-V). Anxiety often occurs with panic attacks which are described as a discrete period and the sudden feelings of intense fearfulness, terror, or impending doom. Panic attacks manifest with physical symptoms of shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, chest pain, sweating, and the fear of losing control. (DSM-V).
Now an adult, wife, and mother, I still battle anxiety and panic attacks daily. While I have left the fear of monsters and the fictional world behind, I still struggle with the fear of germs, illness, and the unknown. I worry about the future, my children, and events yet to transpire. I fear becoming trapped in a large crowd or social situations. Due to the stigma of mental health and disorders, I tried my best to manage my anxiety and panic attacks on my own. I felt ashamed of my mental health history and even kept this hidden from my spouse, but I could only remain strong for so long.
In 2011, after experiencing a traumatic tornado outbreak that affected my area, I could no longer control my anxiety and panic disorder. I began to fear thunderstorms, any weather system that could produce a tornado, and spring. Severe weather occupied my mind even on sunny days. In the winter, I feared the coming spring severe weather season. Recognizing these intense and overwhelming feelings I admitted myself to the Helen Ross Crisis Stabilization Unit. I was diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder, acute stress disorder, and weather phobias. I now take medication and work with a therapist to help control my anxiety and panic attacks.
Mental health and treatment for conditions are becoming pushed to the forefront of public consciousness. Discussions on the importance of mental health and seeking treatment are becoming normalized. Professional sporting organizations and other industries are using their platforms to destigmatize mental health and advocate for seeking treatment. I no longer feel embarrassed by my mental health diagnosis but take steps daily to improve myself and create awareness for others who are struggling.
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Thanks for reading. Till next time, have a good day and good mental health.
~ Noelle K. Moser ~
The Introvert Cafe 
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